How to Support the Development of Self-Regulation at Home

1/5/2026

At Winston Prep, we define self-regulation as the ability to remain goal-directed across time despite challenging circumstances such as boredom, distraction, or frustration. It isn’t simply reining in impulsive behaviors, but also being able to initiate tasks or approach conversations.

Does This Sound Familiar?

Your toddler has a tantrum because it’s time to leave the playground.
Your 3rd grader throws the video game controller out of frustration.
Your 13-year-old spends time texting friends instead of getting started on homework.
Your high schooler screams at you because they can’t find their favorite hoodie.
You scroll through Instagram rather than focus on your work presentation.

Each is an opportunity to practice self-regulation.

Self-Regulation. What Is It?

It’s important to remember that it’s not about consistently being attentive to your goal or always remaining calm. It’s about being able to recognize when you are off track and bring yourself back.

What Do Self-Regulation Skills Look Like?

Your 4-year-old calmly waits their turn when playing a board game.
Your 10-year-old tells you they are feeling nervous about their first day of school.
Your middle schooler takes a walk after a disagreement with a friend.
Your 11th grader takes a snack break while tackling a challenging school project.
You do a few box breaths before entering the house after a stressful day at work.

Just like other social-emotional skills, it isn’t all or nothing. It’s common for kids (and adults!) to manage their behavior well in some situations but struggle in others. This is especially true for children as they're learning this skill.

Self-regulation is a skill that develops over time. It's important to remember that it can be a challenge for children, high schoolers, and even adults to self-regulate. This is especially difficult for students with learning disabilities, as they often face additional challenges in areas like executive functioning and social skills.

What Can You Do at Home?

The most effective way to help your child develop self-regulation skills is to strengthen your own.

Studies show that when a child is provided a calm and reflective environment, they can more easily learn how to become reflective themselves and respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively react to discomfort.

Providing a model and explicitly talking through the steps you’re taking to self-regulate can be a powerful tool to support your child in developing those same skills. Within this modeling, use specific emotional language.

Naming your emotions and discussing your feelings can be a huge step towards remaining calm.

Try to check in with yourself a few times a day. Recognize how you are feeling.

Be sure to allow yourself some grace. We all struggle from time to time. The important thing is to acknowledge your struggle and model self-reflection.

Before: Proactive Support

When you know your child will face a tough situation, help them prepare. If appropriate, remind them to think of tools they can use if they get upset.

You’re there to guide them, not give them the answers.

If they tend to get distracted by their phone when it’s homework time, ask them what they think might get in the way of finishing their homework. Encourage them to think of a solution to avoid distractions and how to respond if it happens.

Try to refrain from pushing them to recognize a problem proactively or judging their solution. Instead, encourage them to reflect upon how it went, what, if anything, got in their way, whether their solution worked or not, and how they might want to adjust accordingly for next time. Then next time you can ask, what happened last time? And guide the conversation accordingly.

Regular sleep, movement, healthy eating habits, and mindfulness exercises have also been shown to strengthen self-regulation skills overall. When these things are a part of a daily routine, your brain is less likely to overreact, and you stay in control rather than letting your emotions run the show.

During: On-the-Spot Support

Your ability to self-regulate also allows you to remain calm so that you can co-regulate with your child, guiding them in applying tools when they do become dysregulated.

Mindful breathing, naming emotions, and grounding routines such as 5-4-3-2-1, where you notice things in your environment, are helpful ways to get back on track. They might be able to engage in ‘elephant breathing’ with you but they might not and that’s okay. The modeling is the more important piece.

After: Reflection and Feedback

Encourage your child to reflect upon their experience following opportunities to self-regulate.

How did they feel initially?
How do they feel now?
What helped?
What might they try next time?

Finally, name and give feedback and praise to build their awareness of when they are successful and how they managed.

"I noticed that you said you were frustrated by that math problem, stretched, got up for a glass of water and went back to work. You really were able to self-regulate your emotions in that moment. Nicely done!"

For little ones or those with limited language, modeling and narrating this entire process, including the reflection, can be just as helpful in promoting the development of these skills.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The development of social emotional skills is not a straight trajectory. There will be times it seems your child is good to go, and other times when everything seems to be a struggle.

Focusing on modeling, guidance and practice while remaining curious and reflective will support your child’s development of this important social emotional skill, setting them up for independence.

Learn More About the Winston Innovation Lab

Everyone in our community is part of a transformative movement that is becoming a powerful voice for young people everywhere who learn differently. To learn more about the Winston Innovation Lab and our initiatives, visit winstonprep.edu/research-into-practice.

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